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This weekend, I attended a tangled, important and often painful dialogue about cancer and the language we use to describe it.
Last week, after Alex Trebek announced that he was suffering from stage 4 pancreatic cancer, I wrote an article about the attachment of the words "battle," "lose," and "win" to the disease. I interviewed Sheila Quirke, from Chicago, whose daughter and both parents died of cancer.
Quirke argues for a break to take into account the words we fall back on when we diagnose cancer.
READ MORE: Alex Trebek's announcement raises concern about the words "fight" and "victory" applied to cancer "
"People who die of cancer diagnosis are not weak, have not lost, are not losers," she said. "People who have survived their cancer diagnosis are not winners who have defeated a powerful enemy."
His words were especially for people writing about cancer and cancer patients – journalists like me.
"Allow cancer patients to define themselves, always," she said. "But stop contributing to a war paradigm for this specific disease. Never refer to anyone as having 'lost their fight' against cancer. Never tell a person "that she fought hard" to "succumb". Never suggest to a cancer patient to "defeat" his disease. Writers and journalists have the ability to alter the narrative and use language that is not based on this damaging and ill-conceived trope of war. "
I received more comments on the column than anything I've written for months. Some readers have found the dominant chronicle and have described it as an attempt to control the language of people suffering from a relentless disease or taking care of someone who is it.
"Never to hear the words" fight "or" fight "will not relieve the pain and will not bring back our loved ones", a reader tweeted. "I do not understand the purpose of this interview. It simply makes people's lives more difficult by guessing what is natural to us all. "
"Here's an idea" tweeted another. "Let Alex use the words he chooses. Stop being the thought and the word police. Stop being the world's hall monitor. "
Dozens and dozens of readers have e-mailed stories about their own cancer experience as patients or caretakers. I plan to answer each of them, but I would like to share a few here. I think they emphasize the value of Quirke's advice.
"I lost my aunt two weeks ago as a result of an inoperable glioblastoma who killed her in less than three months. For three months, family members and friends said, "Do not worry, she's going to fight this," or "do not worry, God has a plan." to feel better, "wrote a woman. "I did not know that I needed someone to say that it was not his fault."
Wrote another: "My son is in treatment for a very aggressive form of cancer. We lost a good friend and a mentor last year and we have another friend in remission after two chemotherapy sessions. … If the worst happens, it will not be because my son did not fight. "
"As a stage 4 metastatic breast cancer patient, I become livid every time I hear the words," You are a warrior, you are a fighter, you are going to win, you can do it. If anyone can do that, it's you, "wrote a woman. "No. I will not win that.What I want to hear, I need to hear, is that I pray for you.Do you want to go for a coffee? to help you during this period? It sucks. I'm sorry you have to deal with this terrible disease. "
Quirke's words, and my decision to write them in a column, were meant as an invitation to pause and consider why we used words that were commonly deployed. It was an invitation to pause and consider whether these words were doing what we wanted or if, on occasion, they were doing the opposite.
Of course, as always, readers are free to accept or decline this invitation. No one here is calling for the prohibition of words. The language is not controlled.
The language is important, however. An editor has already explained the importance of using the first language of people in my writings. "Homeless people" rather than "homeless". Does this solve roaming? No. Changing the frame around a problem eliminates this problem? No.
But I think it's worth looking for words that fully honor humanity and people's experience when we talk about them. Quirke's words help me do that. So are your reactions.
"I have no problem saying that my mother has lost her fight against cancer," wrote my friend Christina on Facebook. "It does not describe her as a" loser "to me, I think it just reflects how tough it is to beat cancer."
"Some who go into battle without surviving are heroes, so I have no problem with the term" fighting cancer, "added my friend Laarni." My mother has been beaten for as long as She was able, tried all the treatments that were suggested to her to prolong her life, so that she could be with us one more day.I even said in her eulogy: I am so much happy that she fought long enough for my 8 year old son to remember her, she is a hero. "
I wonder if the answer, as is often the case, is to keep talking. And speak directly to the people most affected by our words.
Are you comfortable with the word battle or did it hurt you?
Does this sound like a fight or is it the wrong word?
Please tell me if I say something that sounds bad for you. I do not want to aggravate your grief.
These words are not easy to say. But they are honest. It's always a good place to start.
Twitter @ heidistevens13
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