I wanted to end COVID-19, thinking it would look like a bad flu. I was so wrong.

“I just want to end this.”

I admit that this thought crossed my mind several times in 2020, since the first observation of the SARS-CoV-2 virus spreading rapidly in China. Even before cases were reported in the United States, I remember telling my husband that people were not paying attention. Maybe he thought I was a little paranoid, but as someone with a chronic illness – who at the time was wondering if I should start taking immunosuppressants – it seemed important to me to keep an eye on it. .

That was over a year ago, and although part of me had wanted to contract the coronavirus so that I could hopefully get over it and treat my rheumatoid arthritis (which is not on the federal list of high-risk co-morbidities) without so much fear – nothing could have prepared me for the reality of experiencing “moderate” symptoms of COVID-19 for myself.

Some people may think that contracting this virus is inevitable, and we all experience great fatigue from COVID-19. In my rural community, I still regularly hear people proclaiming that COVID-19 is a hoax or that it is “just the flu”.

Many claim they don’t need to follow safety protocols because this coronavirus “only affects people with pre-existing conditions and the elderly” (like they’re somehow consumable?). I hear people around me expressing more fear of the vaccine than of COVID-19.

These attitudes are ubiquitous in Utah, where we made the headlines. conspiracy theorists storm hospitals, requiring access to ICUs; moms who follow a code not to test their kids for COVID-19 in an effort to keep schools open; and anti-mask protests.

Not surprisingly, cases in Utah skyrocketed and our hospitals were at or near capacity for several weeks.

While some people are fortunate enough to have mild (or even asymptomatic) symptoms, the so-called moderate symptoms of COVID-19 can still be terrifying and traumatic, and severe symptoms are an emergency. I never thought COVID-19 was like the flu and have done enough research for the health articles I wrote to know the damage it can cause to the body, including incidents of organ damage, the risk of presenting “long-haul” symptoms and the growing body of evidence that the virus can cause psychosis in some individuals.

I have also had a lot of disease progression with my RA over the past year without treatment, and my body has started showing signs of permanent joint damage, which cannot be reversed. That’s why part of me just wanted to ‘get it over with’ in the hope that it wouldn’t be a big deal for me.

In the end, I hoped that if I contracted it, COVID-19 feel like the flu to me because I’m in my 30s and not considered high risk

Although I was careful and do my best to follow the safety guidelines, I contracted the coronavirus in mid-December.

Fighting COVID-19 was completely different from what I had imagined as the symptoms were unlike anything I have ever experienced. Yes, there was a fever, a deep, worrisome cough, as well as extreme muscle aches and fatigue, but it was way more than that … and it was nothing like the flu.

What I didn’t expect, and nothing could have prepared me, was chest pain and pressure and the relentless feeling that I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. It made me want to get out of my skin, like I was going crazy. I could tell my body was running on all cylinders, fighting a relentless alien invader.

Sometimes I was worried that my body would lose the battle. I was afraid to fall asleep at night. What if I wake up breathless or don’t wake up at all? COVID-19 is not only a physical illness, it can also cause a lot of anxiety.

I received a flyer when I was tested. There was a list of warning signs to look out for, listing symptoms such as bluish lips or face, an inability to wake up or stay awake. My lips weren’t blue and I could take a deep breath, but still felt like my body wasn’t getting enough oxygen. I couldn’t take more than a few steps without becoming extremely weak and dizzy with the world spinning around me.

I was in this strange place of being very sick but maybe not sick enough to go to the hospital. I didn’t know that at the time either, but your body can be dangerously low in oxygen without feeling classic signs, as if out of breath.

Although a steroid I had on hand for rheumatoid arthritis helped temporarily relieve my symptoms, the chest pressure and the struggle for oxygen kept coming back, and I wondered what kind of damage this attack had. constant inflammation could cause me internally.

My body was fighting in all-out war, and while I can tell I was improving a little more every day, the stress of the battle on my immune system caused me to develop shingles about two weeks after being tested. positive for COVID-19. Shingles was miserable, but not as scary as the coronavirus.

We often hear about the death rates linked to this virus, but that does not tell the whole story. There is no guarantee with this virus and there is no way of knowing for sure how your body will react. This does not mean that we have to live in fear, but rather that we have to live with consideration of others, doing our best to protect the most vulnerable and ourselves from contracting this virus. COVID-19 should never be thought of as the flu or any other illness that humans experience.

I am very grateful to be alive, but I do not feel completely “healed”. To this day, eight weeks after receiving a positive test, I still can’t last more than 10 to 15 minutes on an elliptical machine without feeling chest pain. My stamina has dropped dramatically. I suffer from persistent chest pain, shortness of breath, fatigue, and other strange symptoms, such as dry mouth and insomnia. Unfortunately, with COVID, “recovered” does not always mean “returned to good health”.

While our family was in quarantine, a child in our neighborhood wanted to play with our son and she knocked on the door relentlessly until my husband yelled on the other side that we have COVID-19.

“COVID is false!” she cried back.

“No it is not!” my husband replied. It’s real, and to a lot of people it doesn’t look like the flu at all. I learned it the hard way.

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