Minister confronts ageism and the shame it brings

The end of life is a time of reassessment and reflection. What meaning do we give to the life we ​​have lived? How to accept sickness and death? What do we want to give to others as we age?

Lynn Casteel Harper, 41, has reflected deeply on these and other spiritual questions. She is the author of an acclaimed book on dementia and is the Minister for Seniors at Riverside Church in New York City, an interfaith faith community known for its commitment to social justice. Most of the 1,600 church members are 65 and over.

Every Thursday from September to June, Harper hosts programs for seniors that include Bible studies, lunches, concerts, lectures, educational sessions and workshops or other forms of community development. She also works with organizations across New York City committed to dismantling ageism.

I recently spoke with Harper about the spiritual dimension of aging. Our conversation, below, has been edited for length and clarity.

Q: What does a Minister of Seniors do?

Much of my work is presence and witnessing – being with people one-on-one at their homes, at the bedside of hospitals or nursing homes, or on the phone, these days on Zoom, and travel with them through the critical moments of their lives.

Sometimes, if people are going through really difficult experiences, especially medically, it is easy for the history of illness and suffering to take hold. Part of my role is to assert the other dimensions. To say that you are precious despite your illness and through your illness. And to say that the community, the church is with you, and that doesn’t depend on your capacity or your aptitudes.

Q: Can you give me an example of someone who contacted you?

I can think of one today – a devotee in her 70s who is facing surgery. She was very scared before the operation and she felt there was a possibility that she would not get out of it.

So she invited me over to her house, and we were able to spend an afternoon talking about her life experiences, the things that were important to her, and the ways she would like the church to be there for her in this regard. moment. And then we got to spend some time in prayer.

Q: What kind of spiritual concerns do the older devotees bring to you?

One of the things, undeniably, is death and death. I see a lot of older people who want to express their concerns and desires on this matter.

I can think of a woman who wanted to plan her memorial service. It was really important for her to think about what would be special for the congregation and her family – a gift she wanted to leave behind.

I rarely encounter a fear of what will happen when someone dies. It is more about: What types of care will I receive before leaving? Who will take care of me? I hear this mostly from people who are aging solo. And I think the church has an opportunity to say that we are a community that will continue to care for you.

Q: What other spiritual concerns arise on a regular basis?

People look back on their lives and ask, “How can I make sense of things that I might regret or that I might be proud of or ambivalent about?” What do these experiences mean to me now and how do I want to live the rest of my life? “

We invite the sharing of stories. For example, we did a program where we asked people to share an important item in their home and talk about how they came to own it and why it is important to them.

For another program, we asked, “Which location was important to you and why? It ended up being a discussion of “thin places” – a Celtic concept – where it seems the veil between this world and the next is very thin and you feel a connection with the divine.

Q: Your job is to create a community. Help me understand what this means.

This is another theme of spirituality and aging. In midlife and earlier in life, we are prompted to be self-reliant, to focus on what we can accomplish and develop within ourselves. Later in life I see some of that loss and the community become a really important value.

There are several types of communities. A faith community is not based on common interests, like a knitting club or a sports team. It is something deeper and broader. It is a commitment to be with each other beyond an equal exchange – beyond your ability to pay or repay what I give you in kind. It’s a commitment to go the extra mile with you, no matter what.

Q: How have the pandemic and spiritual concerns changed or influenced the nature of spiritual discussions?

Every Sunday, our congregation offers a minute of silence to victims of covid-19. And every Sunday, we list the names of the faithful who are sick and who have died, not just from the covid. It is built into our practice to recognize illness and death. And it became something even more necessary.

As much as there was a lot of concern about isolation and our seniors, in many ways our bond with each other grew stronger. I saw a tremendous amount of compassion – people stretching out in a very graceful way. People ask, “Can I deliver groceries?” Does anyone need a daily phone call? What can I do?”

Q: What about losses from the pandemic?

The grief has been heavy and will live with us for some time. I think the church’s ongoing job now is to figure out what to do in the aftermath of this pandemic. Because there have been many layers of loss – loss of loved ones, loss of mobility, loss of other abilities. There have been significant changes for people, emotionally, mentally, financially or physically. Much of our job will be to recognize this.

Q: What have you learned about aging from this work?

I learned how real and pervasive ageism is. And I was introduced to the world of what ageism does, which is to bring shame in its wake. So that people, instead of heading towards the community, if they feel compromised physically or in some other way, the temptation is to withdraw. I am sorry.

Q: What else have you learned?

How creative and liberating aging can be. I’m surrounded by people who have all kinds of experiences: all these years, all these tragedies and triumphs and everything in between. And I see them appear every day. There is this freedom to be without excuses.

I appreciate creativity so much. Honesty. And the true radical attention they give to each other and to the world around them. I always notice how many of our seniors are paying attention to things that I hadn’t noticed.