New Subway sandwich menu just as dastardly as the old one

The new menu items for the Subway sandwich chain, which rolled out in publicity on Tuesday, belong to the real subway – the deeper the basement, the better.

The “biggest menu update” in the history of the world’s largest fast food company (37,500 outlets) lays a big, fatty, sometimes smelly egg.

Sandwiches are what you reluctantly put up with at an airport snack bar after a 14 hour flight. Strangely, the more elements they have – from pickles and mustard to onions and olives – the less they taste like anything.

Poor Subway is under siege on all fronts. It closed thousands of stores around the world in 2020. It is battling disgruntled franchisees and pushing back accusations that its “famous” tuna does not contain tuna.

The menu update is supposed to bring salvation with all new sandwiches and “improved ingredients” across the product line.

I took the plunge on “Turkey Cali Fresh” and “Steak Cali Fresh”, both served on what Subway calls “Italian artisan bread with a crispy crust and a chewy center”. The crusts were mushy, the centers pasty.

Pieces of floury “steak” looked and tasted like leftover 4th of July barbecue. Oven-roasted turkey is “deli-sliced,” but the flavor is even finer, tasting more like paper than poultry.

The hickory-smoked bacon on both sandwiches was a dirty, tasteless affair beyond saving by a smudge of crushed avocado. The only redeeming element was the decent mozzarella from “award-winning Wisconsin cheese makers,” once I found it under a bunch of spinach, gummy sauces, and ridiculously lame tomato slices.

Regarding the controversial “100% premium wild tuna”: A New York Times lab investigation earlier this year found it to contain 0% tuna DNA.

Consumer groups have taken legal action. Subway replied that cooking tuna destroys DNA, so lab tests can’t detect it, but – trust us! – yes sireee, everything is there.

In the spirit of science, I had it without any condiment, to better focus on the pool problem.

It smelled like cat food. It tasted confusing as if it was once tuna, but how long had been beyond the discernment capacity of my trained palate.

How long Subway can survive this latest debacle is also a guess.