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Depression should not destroy you or destroy your marriage!
If you are wondering how to save your marriage when your spouse is depressed, you are not alone. Have you ever felt the paralyzing emotional effects of depression? Have you found yourself in a black hole and wondering how you are going to crawl? Do you suffer in silence alone, unable to talk about your pain to your partner?
The untreated symptoms of depression – whether you or your spouse who is depressed – are dangerous for you and for your marriage. But it is not obliged.
Understanding how to handle depression in marriage is essential for your health and your relationship.
What is depression? The National Institute of Mental Health defines it as "a mood disorder that causes distressing symptoms that affect the way you feel, think and manage daily activities such as sleeping, eating or working" .
The downward spiral of depression can turn a relationship into a black hole of despair. And it's not uncommon for partners to turn around because they do not understand what's going on.
The depressed person often feels alone and without support. Their depressed mood can leave the partner feeling deprived of life.
A partner who does not understand the signs of depression may be frustrated or angry when the depressed person expresses his feelings. The loss of energy caused by depression can look like laziness. Negative emotions may seem exaggerated. It can be difficult to understand or have patience for the feelings of your depressed partner.
Emotions do not have any meaning.
You can tell your partner that their emotions do not make sense. That the life you both have is not so difficult. You can start telling yourself that your partner is just lazy and has to defend himself and get him back. Getting angry with your partner for struggling with negative thoughts and sad emotions can make depression worse.
In a good marriage, it is important to manage depression separately and together. Individually, each of you's role is not to let depression take over. And there is a way to work together to not let depression destroy the love you have for each other.
So where to start? There are practical ways to work individually and together to not let depression tear your relationship apart.
Here are 8 ways to treat depression in marriage when you have a depressed spouse.
1. Learn the causes of depression
Depression has many causes. It is the most prevalent mental health disorder. About 6.7% of Americans report having at least one episode of depression at some point. Women are depressed twice as often as men.
Your partner may have a genetic predisposition to depression. Stress has also been found to activate depression. Unresolved grief can cause depression. Hormonal changes caused by pregnancy can cause depression. Thyroid problems and other types of physical problems can cause depression. Various medications, such as birth control pills, can cause depression.
You are not bad.
Depression is an inner rotational disorder. It's often the anger and pain held back inside and often returned to you. As a depressed person, you may be ashamed to feel as bad as you, seemingly for no reason. It can make it difficult for you to say how bad you feel about things that would not bother others.
As you can see, you have to understand many pieces of the puzzle of depression. Exploring these causes with the help of a doctor can help you and your relationship.
Couples who navigate successfully in the turbulent waters of depression learn not to be mutually problematic. It can be very helpful to remind your partner that you understand and do not blame him for his depression.
The National Institute of Health could be a good place to start learning about depression.
2. Get individual and / or couple therapy
Finding an individual therapist experienced in treating depression is a great first step. Make sure to interview the therapists you are considering. You want to make sure you feel good. A good therapeutic relationship is the key to your healing.
It is often difficult to get out of depression without the help of a professional. A qualified therapist can help you identify self-destructive thought patterns. Your therapist can also encourage you to create social connections and not isolate yourself.
When do you get professional help?
If your relationship deteriorates, you should get help from a couple therapist. They will help you learn how to handle depression in marriage. A qualified therapist, focused on emotional couples, can help you talk to each other in order to escape negative arguments, repair relationship trauma and deepen your bond of attachment. .
Couples co-regulate emotions. They are biologically wired to turn to each other for emotional support when they struggle. That's why depression can hurt a relationship.
The negative point of view of the depressed person on everything can scare the partner. Fear can be expressed in the form of judgments or severe corrections. And, of course, the depressed person will feel even worse.
Couple therapy can help the couple escape the blame game. This will help them work together to overcome the depression that can destroy the intimacy and functionality of the relationship. You will have to learn to support rather than judge the depressed person.
3. Learn to support – not judge – yourself or your depressed partner
Your depressive partner is deeply in need of your compassion and not of your judgment. They walk in the water trying to stay strong enough not to sink.
When depression seizes you, your partner will have to be a reliable person, one who can help you with compassion to find a way out of the dark mood that you are trying to escape. It is often difficult to open.
Depression makes you fear that your relationship is unsatisfactory. When you take the risk of sharing with your partner, it is devastating to learn that you are not enough. Your partner's judgment is like pouring gas on the fire of your depression.
The last thing the depressed person needs is to feel judged or reprimanded by the person they love the most. This can worsen the depression and possibly tear your relationship.
Depression can drag you both. There is no doubt about it, depression is difficult for both of you and can cause the relationship to be down. It will take your intention to encourage your partner, not to judge, to prevent this from happening. Your partner should know that you believe in him and that there is a way out of dark days.
If you understand that it is depression, not laziness or lack of intention, that drain your partner's life, it will be easier not to judge. Understanding the basics on which people become depressed can help you be more supportive and less critical.
Do not forget that learning how to handle depression in marriage is a process that takes time, patience, and understanding.
4. Escape the spiral of shame with compassion and kindness
Shame is the feeling of being defective or not being good enough to be loved by others. Depression can certainly feed the human tendency to live in shame. Each of us fights with something. Fighting depression does not make you any less serious or worse than anyone else.
Meditation on self-compassion is one of the best ways to overcome shame. And it's an important part of knowing how to treat depression in marriage.
Devoting at least 15 minutes a day to the self-compassion meditation has proven to be a useful way to escape a spiral of shame.
For those living with a depressed partner, it can be helpful to spend 15 minutes a day practicing the meditation of kindness.
5. Take antidepressant medication when recommended
Knowing how to treat depression in marriage means understanding your options for medications. A therapist may recommend that you consult a psychiatrist for antidepressant treatment.
There are many types of depression. In most cases, a moderate to severe major depression will change your body's chemistry. The problems of sleep, appetite, energy, concentration and memory are caused by the biological changes produced by depression.
Antidepressants can help your body increase the availability of serotonin and norepinephrine, chemicals that are often exhausted during severe depression. Most studies show that psychotherapy and medications together form the most powerful form of treatment for moderate to severe depression.
Do antidepressants create an addiction? Are you afraid to take medication for depression? Many people are.
One of the biggest uninformed fears about taking antidepressants is the fear of creating an addiction. Antidepressants are do not addictive. They do not make you high. They will help you feel less depressed by restoring the normal balance of your neurotransmitters.
Some people have to stay on antidepressants for long periods of time to keep their neurotransmitters in balance. Your psychiatrist will help you understand the type of antidepressant you need and how long you should take it.
6. Understand each other
Knowing how to handle depression in marriage, is understanding how your partner feels and how. A healthy relationship requires an emotional connection. This can be even more important on days when one has the impression that depression takes it away. When the dark cloud of depression hovers, it will take a little extra empathy to stay connected.
This does not mean that the world stops spinning until the depression subsides. This means that it is important that you and your partner stay tuned to what is going on with each other. When you stay in touch with each other, you will be better able to withstand any storm.
You will learn when to get closer and when to give space. With great harmony, you will learn to dance together in depression. You will understand what the other needs to be good. It will be important to understand the difference between giving your partner the space they need and removing it.
Learning to stay in touch even when you are physically apart is what makes magic.
7. Learn to validate everyone's feelings
Being able to understand yourself is one thing. But that does not stop there. Each of you will have to "give value" to everyone's feelings. It can be tricky when you and your partner feel two different things. His deep sadness and fear of rejection may seem absolutely irrational to you. You did not do anything to help. It can make you angry.
Can sadness and anger exist in the same room? Yes, sometimes they will have to do it. Are your partner's feelings more important than yours? Absolutely not. What we feel is real, whether it is rational or not.
My wife is afraid of birds. Seriously, "hit the bridge and put yourself under cover", fear. It seems to me a bit irrational. But, by sharing the research on the sheer risk of being bitten to death by a growing bird will certainly not help during its moment of fear, I can help it through this moment by protecting it from the storm. And I will share the research, little by little, once it's solid again.
8. Always enjoy the good days
A positive experience can make you more resistant to depression. So enjoy absolutely the good days. Develop your resilience to keep you out of the hole. Mayo Clinic staff suggest doing something every day to make sense. It may seem difficult, but give it your best shot. Try to set goals that will help you to consider the future in a meaningful way.
And when you have a good day, do what you can to keep one another. Tomorrow will come soon enough. I hope it will be another beautiful day.
It is feasible.
I do not want to downplay the challenge of depression. Learning how to handle depression in marriage so you do not tear yourself up will take you to two. It's hard, but it's absolutely feasible.
A strong emotional connection is the foundation on which you will build. And with that in place and with the right help, you can and will want to learn to navigate these waters.
Michael W. Regier, Ph.D. is a highly skilled and experienced clinical psychologist and Emotion-Based Certified Couple Therapist in Visalia and San Luis Obispo, California. It helps individuals and couples cope with the challenges of depression in the context of the relationship.
This article was originally published on michaelregier.com. Reprinted with permission of the author.
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