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When I was 14, I started a babysitting service in my neighborhood. There were lots of young families and parents who liked to party on the weekends, so I was very busy. I took it seriously and kept a large calendar on my bedroom wall outlining my commitments.
I received a payment of 25 cents an hour and double after midnight. I focused on saving money for college, but what I earned didn’t help me much financially – what I learned about human behavior did. And I find myself revisiting these lessons in the current political climate.
As a backdrop, for over a year in my early teens, I regularly took care of two young boys. Arthur was 8 and Gene 11. They were both bright and energetic kids, but I quickly learned that Gene was having issues. For example, I arrived home one night and he whispered in my ear, “If you see the cookie jar is empty, Arthur did it.”
He later added: “Unless you did, Sharon, you look a little chubby today.” I was a fairly naive teenager, but I knew I was being played.
It happened again. There was a note on Gene’s kitchen counter when I arrived in the late afternoon. “Have you seen the cat’s tail?” It was Arthur. We can’t trust him. The cat’s tail had indeed been trimmed. It was clearly not Arthur who was untrustworthy.
It wasn’t until I got to college and took a second level course in behavioral psychology that I realized what had happened. These first encounters may have illustrated a psychoanalytic term called “projection”. It is used when people “accuse you or accuse others of doing what they have already done or are planning to do”. They launch uncomfortable intimidating words and accusations for a multitude of reasons ranging from low self-esteem to “an exaggerated need for status, recognition and power”.
People who use these kinds of accusatory approaches go on a rampage, deceive others for personal pleasure or gain, and distort the truth. They are particularly good at it.
For example, “a usually rude person may constantly accuse other people of being rude.” Someone who repeatedly calls you and others a “liar” is most likely a pathological liar. I encountered this phenomenon while dealing with a parent in my 30s and endured it for years with a co-worker in my 40s. If you are at the reception it can be unbearable sometimes.
I am now in my 70s, and the “projection” and its more deeply manipulative behavioral companion “narcissism” or “malignant narcissism” seem to be largely in evidence. Someone who is narcissistic is “arrogant, arrogant, grandiose, without conscience, manipulator”. The descriptors are numerous, none is very becoming.
Treating this type of personality disorder, according to most experts, involves taking a step back. “Set limits and stick to them. Trying to compete and intimidate never works.
If you can use humor in a shameful situation, it could have an impact. Completely eliminating encounters with antisocial personalities with these kinds of labels / behaviors is the most common professional advice put forward. Emphasize “completely”.
Sharon Johnson is a retired health educator. Contact her at [email protected].
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