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Take a stroll through any one of Assassin's Creed's Odyssey's city streets and you'll be inside a stone's throw of a penis. That's probably true for Any city, sure, goal Ubisoft's vivid recreation of ancient Greece does not censor the artistic expression of that era. Its cities and temples are adorned with studly marble statues of naked men letting their business hang out for all the world to see. Hell, even the backwater island of Kephalonnia sits in the shadow of one such godly weiner.
Though Odyssey often reuses these same statues across its various locales, I've been searching for one notable goal.
Warning: This article contains a lot of penises.
And if you want a closer look, click the image in the top-right corner of each image.
11.
Score: 10/100
I've seen a lot of things in my lifetime, but this is by far the worst. The artistry here is laughably bad: There's no such thing as this, and this poor soul seems to be lacking gonads-a crucial component of any johnson. Considering this particular figure is found on every major temple in the Mediterranean, this crude, anatomically insufficient penis is a horrific disappointment that the entire Greek world should feel embarrassed about.
10.
Score: 15/100
It's fitting that this statue can be found right next to the previous one, because together they form the most disappointing pair of wangs in the Aegean Sea. This statue gets a few extra points, though, because the detail is Slightly more pronounced. But why is it so pointy? You could cut yourself on this thing if you were not careful. And again, I ask, where are the testicles? It's a shame too, because this guy is a great job of drawing your eye to the prize, but anyone who knows it will be anything but a winner.
9.
Score: 40/100
This warrior is slightly anatomically correct. There is a lot to be desired, though, and the lack of detail makes this dink look like Beaker's nose. Despite having a complete package, this dong is still fatally underwhelming-no wonder that other statue is trying to get him out of his misery.
8.
Score: 42/100
While this competition is fundamentally about just the artistry in these statued ding-at-lings, this one gets some extra points for creativity. The fact that this guy has two things to do with a lot of questions, and I think it's a good idea to have a lot of questions. Unfortunately, this statue still loses a lot of marks because of the most impressive snake on your body never be your legacy
7.
Score: 48/100
Okay seriously, what's up with Greek artists and their obsession with snake legacies? Why are we idolizing these people? Just so we're clear, I'm not giving it to you, but I'm sure it's a nice bit of detail here-particularly in the shape of the scrotum.
6.
Score: 64/100
This statue makes it clear that Poseidon was pretty insecure about his body. The enormity of his trident makes his other spear seem a little underwhelming, despite being the size of a car. Still, who am I to judge? It's anatomically correct and even features a ghastly look. But if you're working with this much material, is it too much to ask for a little extra time adding definition of just smashing phallic clumps of bronze together and calling it a day?
5.
Score: 68/100
Fortunately, this other statue of Poseidon is much better. His scrotum is properly shaped and is also a very good choice for the first time.
4.
Score: 70/100
Finally! A respectable penis! This statue, found in the Sanctuary of Delphi, is not extraordinary, but it is important for the sake of detail, size, and for being anatomically correct. Here we can see the artist. I appreciate the extra effort, but the result is something that resembles Medusa's hair. It's kind of off-putting to say the least. At the end of the day, though, the forest is undeniably impressive.
This statue also gets bonus points because, nearby, I found a tranquil garden circumnavigated by dozens of the same statue. It's the perfect place to enjoy some lovely conversation.
3.
Score: 76/100
I respect the effort here. Technically this guy has everything you could want in a penis but the way it is arranged is dreadful. I'm in love with the most glorious penisespenii?) of the Greek world. This penis is not glorious, but can not help but feel like the artist's intent all along. Instead of standing triumphantly with his business hanging out for the world to see, he's hunched over, almost concealing it from onlookers. It's subversive and controversial. I like it. I like it a lot.
2.
Score: 88/100
By Zeus' beard, would you look at that thing? Size does not matter, but this penis is so large it deserves extra points. What sets this dick apart from the others is its functionality-this is the only penis in the Mediterranean that I can hang off of. And, even better, you can find it within the first five minutes of starting the game. Even though the statue is crudely carved out of stone there is still an impressive level of detail. I mean, just look at how the foreskin is shaped. At the end of the day, this dong stands head and shoulders above the rest. It's enormous, well-made, and the fact that you can do it alone. Cirque du Soleil performer makes it one of the most impressive pieces of junk in the world.
1.
Score: 95/100
I'm giving this penis to our Editor's Choice Award and I think it's obvious why. Despite being as wide as other penises on this list, the artistry here is exquisite. For one, this is the only naked man-statue I found that was successfully painted, which gives the whole thing a very lifelike appearance. I also respect that the artist is even more detailed. Sometimes less is more. What really counts, however, is the immaculate shape of the testicles along with the subtle definition of the shaft. The best thing I can say about this is that, yup, that sure looks like a penis.
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