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Dear Annie: My husband and I are trying to figure out how to emotionally support our adult daughter, who is 40 years old. She is going through a very moving period in her life.
She has been married for about a year, has “major problems” with her partner and is not sure if she can “stay in the relationship”. But from our conversations with her and what we’ve observed, the issues she describes seem to all be “her.” For example, she expects her partner to give her full attention all day long on her day off. She isn’t even willing to let chores like mowing the lawn or doing the laundry interfere. She doesn’t want him to read, talk on the phone, or check his emails, just give her his undivided attention. Her sister is also very worried about her.
Her behavior is far-fetched and she is very offended that we do not “support” her when she obsessively describes arguing with her partner. We are all concerned about mental health issues, but we are lost.
We encouraged her to go to therapy, which she started, but she is already looking for another therapist. Her sister goes to her own therapist for advice on how to be more supportive. We will do the same.
But we can’t bring ourselves to agree with her that marital behavior is abusive, because it just isn’t. This opinion is based on what we have observed firsthand; not by what she says about what’s going on. We can say, “We’re sorry you’re unhappy,” but that’s not the assertion she expects from us. This family dynamic is new to us and stresses us all. No advice? – Stressed family
Dear stressed family: It looks like your daughter is suffering from a mental illness, or maybe just extreme insecurity or narcissism. Whatever diagnosis her new therapist may hopefully make, you’re in pain, too. The best thing to do is to consult a professional yourself on the best way to support your daughter during this difficult time in her life – and yours.
Dear Annie: You recently posted a letter from someone whose father has passed away and whose sister refused to share the loss with their 6-year-old. There is a resource that would be helpful to the sister: ChildrensRoom.org. – Friendly in Boston
Dear sympathetic in Boston: Thanks for your review. I hope this will bring him more comfort.
Dear Annie: I was in a situation similar to that of “Grieving Grandmother”, but quite the opposite. My grandmother and parents didn’t like my choice of mate, so we weren’t invited to family reunions. At first I got hurt, then I thought, ‘who cares? So for the past 30 years, my Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday gatherings have been filled with my “new” family. The elderly whose children do not have time for themselves. Young people whose parents cut them off because they are LGBTQ or different. Widows and widowers, and other “forgotten” people. They are not forgotten in my house. Over the past 30 years, my life and my home have been filled with joy, laughter and happiness. My advice to this grandmother is to write them so – called her daughters-in-law and surround yourself with others who will love her and want to vacation with a woman who loves them and wants to host them. She won’t regret it. – Grandfather to those who do not have one
Dear grandfather to those who do not have one: It is always important to surround yourself with people who support and love you and will make you feel more supported and nourished.
Seen previous columns “Dear Annie”
“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is now available! Annie Lane’s first book – with her favorite columns on love, friendship, family, and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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