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Charlie Whitmer's blue-eyed, red-eyed triplets laugh and crawl as they explore their home in West Town. One stands against a large front window, hands pressed against the glass, looking down the street.
There is no shortage of people to help Charlie – a father who stays at home – with the tremendous chaotic responsibility of caring for three babies. His house is often filled with visitors: friends, family and nannies. But there is someone missing.
Charlie's wife, Kathryn, died on June 8, 2018, at the age of 31, following a hemorrhagic stroke that she suffered a week before the birth of the triplets. On June 4, 2018, Charlie spent his first Father's Day in the neonatal intensive care unit. his premature babies. It was the day after his wife's funeral.
He has since left his job of trader options to focus solely on his children. It's not the life he planned, "but my dreams changed with Kathryn's death."
After being devastated, Charlie, 33, said he was trying to find something good. This spring, he joined approximately 100 parents, friends and staff who took care of his wife and children at Northwestern Memorial and Prentice for Women at the March of Dimes March for Babies. at Grant Park, raising about $ 80,000 for causes close to his heart: fetal and neonatal health. Team Kathryn was the second highest fundraising team at the event.
A spiritual man used to working with numbers, Charlie said he did not believe in misfortune, and that there must be a reason for the deep loss of his family. "You have to find hope and find some kind of joy," he said. "All this happened for a reason. It's my job to find that. "
He said that by doing so, he transformed his life by channeling the generous, loving, extroverted spirit of his deceased wife as a way to honor his memory and to be a good father.
Northwestern doctors and nurses say that they often think of Kathryn. Some attended his funeral and visited the NICU triplets during their stay of more than two months. They got together for the ride and some are still in touch, checking the family in person or via SMS, or following the baby's growth on Instagram.
"I will never forget Kathryn, and I often think about her family," said Dr. Minjee Kim, a neurologist who treated Kathryn and wrote about the grief and the reason she attended her funeral in an essay. published in April in JAMA. "People talk a lot about Kathryn. She is very alive in our memories. "
"THREE IS"
Photos of a smiling Kathryn are sitting as part of the Whitmer Lounge and close-ups of the triplets are hanging on the wall. The boys – who are also identical twins – are Bobby and J.P .; their sister is Arden.
Charlie picks up Arden when she moves, calming her instantly. Later, he swings one of his sons by the feet – the gesture of an experienced father.
"If I look back a year ago, my life is so different," he said.
Charlie's work as a partner in a trading company requires long days, but he loves it. Kathryn was director of operations at SmithBucklin and worked with associations of genetic counselors and pediatric nurses. They met in January 2013 in a bar in Wrigleyville.
The two were finally engaged and planned their wedding in August 2016. A few weeks before, Charlie felt upset during a workout. He then noticed a large bruise after hitting a door and found another bruise he did not remember. These were familiar signs.
When Charlie was 15, he had the same symptoms and was diagnosed with aplastic anemia, a condition that develops when the body stops producing enough new blood cells. A bone marrow transplant treated this disease, he said, and until he noticed the symptoms that resurfaced in 2016, he was in good health. Charlie consulted several doctors and decided to treat the reoccurrence of the disease with medication.
The couple is married but has canceled their honeymoon in Greece so Charlie can start treatment immediately, he said. They also decided to speed up their family projects. Because of the medication prescribed to Charlie, the couple had to undergo fertility treatment to conceive.
They learned that Kathryn was pregnant the day after Christmas 2017, Charlie said. "She called and said," We are pregnant. "" Since they had implanted two embryos, he asked his wife whether it was a baby or two twins.
She said, "It's three. ""
Even though the couple had decided to implant two embryos, one egg had split (into twins), giving birth to three babies.
"All my family is single"
The pregnancy has started well, Charlie said. But on the morning of Memorial Day 2018, at 27 weeks pregnant, 6 days pregnant, Kathryn woke up with a horrible headache, he said. They were at Lake Geneva for the holiday weekend and returned to Chicago to get to the hospital.
"I was in the waiting room … and someone came out and said," Your wife has a big bleeding in the brain, "Charlie said. "At that time, I did not know anything about what brain bleeding meant. I did not know what a stroke was.
"And I was sick twice and I beat the ball, so … we'll be fine," he added.
At first it seemed like they would do it. Kathryn woke up the next day, talking and joking, Charlie said. Doctors used drugs and inserted drains to manage swelling while giving babies more time to develop in it. Catherine's water finally gave way, the work began a few days later and the doctors performed a caesarean section.
Bobby and J.P. weighed 3 pounds each, said Charlie, and Arden weighed 2 pounds and 6 ounces. They needed CPR and were taken to the NICU. A doctor told Charlie that his children would have health problems. "I was back in this waiting room and I thought, what's going on?" My whole family is at the USI, "he said. "All four could die."
He sat down with his brother and cried. "Then I decided, no matter what happens, if Catherine is alive, I can do it."
That night, Catherine woke up from anesthesia. But two days after the babies were born, her headache came back. The doctors determined that she needed urgent brain surgery to relieve the pressure on her brain. She never woke up.
Before Kathryn was declared brain dead, Charlie learned that his babies were good enough to cross the hospital and see their mother. The boys first laid on their mother's chest. The next day, Arden came to see his mother.
Tears ran down Catherine's face.
"THE FRAGILITY OF LIFE"
"I can not explain this medically," said Dr. Kim, Kathryn's neurologist who was in the room. But being unconscious and "near brain death … does not mean that she does not feel" the presence of babies, Kim said.
Kathryn was a special patient, Kim said, which she was already thinking about when she was returning home after work. When they met, Kim was a new mom, so she related to her and her family.
"Catherine's death was really tragic for many of us," she said. "I can not compare that to the family situation … but a lot of things about her case are still very difficult for many of us to deal with."
Kim said she was fighting the mystery surrounding Kathryn's attack. This could be a complication of pregnancy, but doctors are not sure. She also had trouble getting to Kathryn's funeral or not.
"I think first and foremost that I felt that my presence here was our failure as a medical team. Despite everything we did and tried, we could not save her, "said Kim. "I was wondering … how can I dare to come?"
Kim decided to attend after talking to her sister, a doctor from another hospital, she said. "I wanted to say goodbye."
At the funeral, she saw pictures of Kathryn at happier times, Kim said. "It's hard to imagine the lives of our patients before they arrived at the UTI," she said. "I see (Kathryn) full of life on all the pictures and all the people who came from all over to attend the funeral – it really hit me."
Dr. Alan Peaceman, Chief of Maternal and Fetal Medicine, was also present – the only time he attended a funeral for a patient. "I just felt like I needed to be there."
Peaceman said Kathryn represents a bigger lesson: "We can never take maternal health for granted."
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 700 women die each year from pregnancy-related complications in the United States, most of them preventable. And African American, Amerindian and Native American women in Alaska are about three times more likely to die of pregnancy than white women, according to the CDC.
"We are shocked that it can happen, but it is still the case," Peaceman said.
Charlie said he told Kathryn's doctors in the weeks following his death that he did not blame them. "They make the best decisions they can."
Thanks to an organ donation, Kathryn saved six lives, said Charlie, a glimmer of silver that perfectly matches the character of his wife. "And she has to give life to three babies."
"SAY YES"
On the first anniversary of Kathryn's triplets and death, Charlie said he and the babies had spent time together, with family and friends. He had planned to do the same for Father's Day.
One day, he will probably go back to work, but for now, Charlie has said he is working on fatherhood. Despite troubling beginnings, the three babies are thriving, he said.
Before Kathryn's death, Charlie was an introvert. He said that he knew how to succeed at work or in his personal goals, but that Kathryn was the one who communicated best with people and giving priority to others. "She was only happy if her surroundings were happy."
Charlie said that during the past year, he had left more people in his life, "saying yes" to those who wanted to help him. Her family, Catherine's parents, and others come regularly to visit her. This has also led to new friendships that he calls "a blessing".
As the Nurse of the UNSI, Kelli Snider, that Charlie has nominated for a nurse award. In the letter of appointment, Charlie credited Snider for teaching him "to be a father". Even after the babies have left the NICU, Snider stays in their life.
"I always feel like after such a tragedy, people are going away," Snider said. "I will probably talk to them forever."
Charlie said that when he saw many people crying Kathryn at his funeral and reading cards telling him how much Kathryn was counting for them, he realized what his wife was doing during his lifetime "She was investing in her friends and investing in her family. "
"She understood the important things in life," he said. "I still have a lot to understand."
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